Hello friends! Six questions silently interrogate the female heart. They push and pull her. They explain her. Few women verbalize these signature desires into plain language, but the substance of them cries out continuously, in some way or another, at some time or another, deep in her being.
Of course, there are exceptions. A woman might possess major traits divergent from the general female pool, usually because of God's non-typical purpose for her. Keep in mind then, the following biblical insights, scientific conclusions, and collective observations address the typical woman and majority of women. |
| The Mystery No, you're not hallucinating, and no, it's not impossible. Women must be understood, first by themselves and then by others, and especially by the men in relationship to them. This can be quite an undertaking, though, sort of like deciphering the book of Revelation. Many of you know what I mean. But why the mystery?
Women are the upgrade. They are biologically, emotionally, and socially more sophisticated than men. Adam was formed from the simplicity of dust, while Eve was formed from the complexity of living tissue (Adam's side). Discern the symbolism. God desired to make a similar to Adam, yet an elaborate upgrade of him.
As if femininity wasn't mystifying enough, many women enjoy and leverage their obscurity. They relish the thrilling power of being "just out of reach". Part of this is normal social or romantic play, whereby individuals engage in sportive exploration and chasing of one another. This is harmless, as long as it eventually pays up. Much of our relationship with the Lord is this way: mystery and discovery, seeking and finding.
At times though, there can be a darker side to this play; when the mystery never pays up, when the woman remains elusive and evasive to manipulate others. By staying barely out of reach, she can secure the upper-hand in a relationship or environment. It keeps others "on their toes" while she herself remains sure-footed. Most often this is done by withholding (or misrepresenting) sensitive information about herself: intentions, needs, desires, disappointments, expectations, plans, and goals. She might also do this by pre-calculating her schedule and interactions, carefully monitoring who, what, when, where, and why.
On a societal level, this same "just out of reach" dynamic happens through the sexual objectification of women. Awesome power can be attained by being naked yet concealed, seductive yet impersonal, accessible yet unattainable, visible yet distant. Female mystery, then, can be adventurous, playful, and harmless as individuals journey to progressively discover one another. Or it can be malicious, if females indefinitely remain a riddle in order to manipulate.
Finally, many women are simply mysteries to themselves, and therefore, are unable to adequately impart themselves to others. Many are willing and hungry to do so. They are ready for truths that can solidify their sense of female identity and improve their self-delivery to others, and most importantly, to the Lord. Understanding women...six silent questions. |
(1) The Mother-Question: "Where is my mother?" A girl learns womanhood, or a lack of, through her mother. Until she matures into a solid sense of biblical womanhood in her own right, the question will arrest and interrogate her soul indefinitely, "Where is my mother?"
Song of Songs 8:2 shows us this, Solomon's wife is speaking: I would lead you and bring you to my mother's house--she who has taught me (underline added). She makes a similar statement in 3:4, whereby she desires to take Solomon to her mother for further approval and guidance. All women, like Solomon's bride, look to and listen for mom to learn successful and appropriate female living. She is the blueprint for womanhood, for better or for worse.
If mom is absent or incapable, the new mother often becomes any older female with an equally imposing presence--a sister, aunt, grandmother, teammate, Brittany Spears, or Desperate Housewives. Every girl or developing woman is learning womanhood from some female blueprint somewhere.
The Bible opens with an insightful story about a girl seeking to answer the mother-question. Genesis 34 tells us about Dinah, the daughter of Leah. If you remember from chapters 29 and 30, Leah was one of Jacob's two wives, the one he did not want. Rachel was his heart's desire. Leah was second best and second choice, and in a competition of two, that made her last place. Can you imagine how that made her feel? Rejected...unwanted...ugly...alone. Leah surely picked up some wounds here.
Along comes Dinah, Leah's only daughter and seventh child (30:21). Because of her woundedness and subsequent introversion, Dinah did not have the attentive and engaging mother she needed. While Leah was still licking her wounds, she was injuring and pushing Dinah away in the process. So what does Dinah do? She realizes mom cannot give her the female umbrella she needs, and takes her mother-question to be answered elsewhere.
This brings us to the tragedy of Genesis 34:1: Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land. See what's happening? Dinah went to the pagan peoples nearby to find what Mom Leah was not providing. She even bypassed Jacob's two concubines, Zilpah and Bilhah (30:3-5, 9,10), as possible mother-figures. In the end, Dinah gets raped and brings a city-wide massacre on the Shechemites.
This story contains profound insight about women. Dinah needed a mother who could develop her into a woman, a "mother-shepherd". She needed female modeling, female guidance, and female attachment. She needed a mother to answer her mother-question, and this question would keep interrogating her until she found someone to answer it. You see, Dinah is every woman and every woman is Dinah. Today's entertainment industry thrives on wandering Dinahs still looking for a mom to show them how to be a woman.
God, foreseeing the Dinah disillusionment, gave us the Titus 2:3-5 concept. This passage commands the older Christian women of the church to befriend, shepherd, teach, guide, and support the younger Christian women. In other words, God expects older Christian women to answer the mother-question for the younger ones who are in a Dinah disillusionment. ("Older" does not necessarily refer to physical age, but to spiritual age, maturity, and wholeness. Some older women, physically, still have not answered the mother-question, while some younger ones have.)
Ruth's story is the counterpart to Dinah's story. Ruth (a Moabite), when faced with the option of returning to her pagan earthly mother or attaching to a new, Jehovah-worshiping mother, she chose the latter (Ru 1). Naomi was an awesome woman, filled with godliness and feminine glory. Apparently, Ruth's mother was either sub-par or deceased, and therefore, she did not desire to return home. Even more so, she rejected all the other potential mother-figures of Moab (aunts, grandmothers, family friends, community leaders, etc...). She turned to Naomi and Naomi's God to answer her heart's question (1:15-18). And wow, was she not rewarded incredibly?
Dinah sought a pagan woman to answer her mother-question; Ruth sought a godly woman. Dinah put herself in a vulnerable situation whereby a carnal man was able to exploit her; Ruth put herself in a secure situation whereby a wonderful man blessed, protected, and married her. Dinah's response to her question brought death to an entire people; Ruth's response brought life to Israel and the entire world, being the ancestor of both David and Jesus.
APPLICATION: Dinah, Ruth, and every developing woman has the same question interrogating their heart, a mother-question that asks, "Where is my mother?" Few women grew up with level-10 mothers. Most are like Dinah and Ruth--needing more and still asking.
History is filled with tragedies of women who reacted like Dinah; they looked to the wrong women in the wrong places. History is also filled with wonderful victories of women who reacted like Ruth; they looked to the right women in the right places. You can have Dinah's disillusionment, but Ruth's response. Be a Ruth. Find Naomi-Ruth relationships in your church, another church, extended family, or social circle to help answer your mother-question. Commit to maturing completely and becoming a Naomi for other disillusioned Dinahs.
Eventually, Naomi pushed Ruth out of her nest (Ru 3). The best mothers, physical and spiritual, understand their learners will eventually become mature women and able mothers themselves. The best Naomis have the wisdom and emotional security to eventually discharge their Ruths. They understand their temporary purpose was to answer and silence the mother-question forever. |
(2) The Husband-Question: "Where is the prince?" Jezebel fascinates me. Her story is closer to the woman next door, or the next pew, than we realize. Scripture gives us no explicit information about her early years, though it does give us key bits of information that unravel her almost completely.
Jezebel's name literally means, Where is the prince?. It is made up of two words, jeze, which means "without" or "where is", and baal, which means "prince, husband, or lord". Why would her parents name her without prince, or, Where is the prince?.
We know from 1Kings 16:31 that Jezebel was Sidonian, and her father Eth-baal, king of Sidon. This means Jezebel was a princess, destined in the royal system for a prince. The probable reason for her unique naming is that Sidon lacked prince-quality men for her to eventually marry. Her parents, seeing and foreseeing this, named her accordingly. Where is the prince?, then, not only became Jezebel's name, but the wounded cry of her heart as she grew up to understand this reality. Finding a good man is an age-old frustration.
This scenario seems convincing when we consider the fact that she crossed political, cultural, and religious boundaries to marry Ahab, an Israelite (1Ki 16:31). Could it be that she married the weak and very un-princely Ahab out of frustration and disillusionment, out of a failed search for a real prince in Sidon? I think so. If Israel, God's own people, saw periods of time where there seemed to be no good men (Jud 21:25, Ps 12:1, Ecc 7:28, 1Ki 18:20,21, 19:18), imagine a pagan and morally degraded society like Sidon?
The ironic and amazingly symbolic thing about this story is that every woman has the same question beating in her heart, Where is the prince?. Jezebel did not begin life with merely a name, she began life with a question, a husband-question. That question arrested, interrogated, and influenced her in every way imaginable, as it does for all women. Little girls feel this question when they fall madly in love with their school teacher, daydream about Prince Charming, plan their wedding day during math class, or pick a flower and play "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not". Every female from Jezebel to Jane, in Sidon or in San Francisco, begins life with this question. Jezebel could not run from it, not so much because it was her name, but because it was her nature. It is a God-given question. It is a God-given nature, and the Fall has much to do with it.
After the Fall, God pronounced the post-Fall woman would long for and need her husband in a new way, a way more intensely than before the Fall (Gen 3:16). He gave her a very strong emotional lean toward her husband or husband-to-come. To use our lingo, post-Fall women would now enter life with a powerful heart question that asks, "Where is the prince?"
Song of Songs refers to this emotional lean in colorful imagery. In Song 2:3, the wife compares her husband to a tree, upon which she leans and rests under. In verse 5, she declares only his husbandly love can "strengthen" and "refresh" her romantic weakness and vulnerability. In fact, more than once she admits she is romantically "faint" or "weak" (2:5, 5:8). In 8:5, even her friends recognize the emotional lean: Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover? (underline added).
Song of Songs lights up several bulbs concerning what God meant in Genesis 3:16. The post-Fall woman would have a very strong emotional-romantic lean toward her husband or husband-to-come (2:3, 8:5). This lean would produce a measure of vulnerability, faintness, and weakness (2:5, 5:8). It is this vulnerability the apostle Peter addresses in the New Testament.
In 1Peter 3:7, he commands husbands to be understanding and sensitive towards their wives, because they, in his words, are the "weaker vessel". Admittedly, those words can be controversial--if misunderstood and misapplied. But remember church, if the Bible is the very Word of God, then the Holy Spirit simply borrowed Peter's mind and pen. We simply need to discern the timeless word in Peter's writing.
1Peter 3:7 is simply reiterating what we've already discussed. Song of Songs portrays her romantic vulnerability with poetic imagery, while Peter is straightforward and to the point (as always). Song of Songs uses beautiful and playful language that could easily be overlooked, while Peter just comes out and says it like it is. Song of Songs celebrates her emotional lean and how Solomon nourished and satisfied it, while Peter commands husbands to be aware and conscientious of it at all times. Same message, different styles.
This verse, or any other verse in Scripture, does not say or suggest that women are less valuable or competent than men. A woman's emotional-romantic lean for a prince is simply a relational dynamic, one that often places women in a vulnerable state. God's Word acknowledges this, reveals its source, and demands conscientiousness by men to protect their co-heirs of the grace of life.
Paul adds his inspired, and interesting, angle. 1Timothy 5:11-15 presents certain young widows in the Ephesian church as unruly and sinning. We would think Paul's immediate solution in dealing with them would be repentance, rebuke, and maybe even a little church discipline. Interestingly, and by divine inspiration, he goes in a different direction (v14)...he counsels them to get married! Really Paul?
This used to bother me. Get married? That's the answer? I mean, they're doing some pretty jacked up stuff: sensuality, forsaking their First Love, idleness, gossip, busybodying, inappropriate speech. These are women gone wild! Can you imagine poor Timothy--young, handsome, and spiritually strong--being around these females? Maybe that's why Paul urged him to "flee youthful lusts" (2Ti 2:22) and treat the women in the church as mothers and sisters "with absolute purity" (1Ti 5:2).
But now I understand Paul's counsel wholeheartedly. Sure these young widows needed repentance and returning to the Lord. Paul is not compromising that by his silence. But he is recognizing, very insightfully, that their sinful behavior is coming from an honest longing for a husband-prince. This is a classic case of bad behavior coming from a legitimate need. Paul--the Holy Spirit--knew these young widows were simply asking, "Where is the prince?"
APPLICATION: Ever since Genesis, many women have resisted this dynamic and many men have, sadly, abused it. However, God's pronouncement has not been altered or reversed, it does not eradicate the husband-question, and it does not stop the majority of little girls from dreaming of their Prince Charming. Like the mother-question, the husband-question can be answered by the wrong men in the wrong places at the wrong time. Jezebel did not have to become the Jezebel we know, and ladies, neither do you.
First, Jesus Himself must answer your question. Seek Him daily to be your Prince of love, your true Husband. Surrender to Him, and learn to lean on His tree, rest in His shade, and be refreshed by His apples of love.
Unless you have the gift of celibacy though, Jesus will not fully answer your question. Naomi understood that Ruth would find complete emotional "rest" only with a husband (Ru 1:9). She refers to this "rest" again in 3:1 (the Hebrew is the same as 1:9, though some translations use "security" or "home" instead of "rest"), again referring to an inner rest that comes only from a husband.
There is an earthly husband-prince God is pleased to give. However, it will require personal growth, preparation, and knowledge. Just as Esther prepared twelve months for Xerxes, and Ruth prepared several years for Boaz, and Abigail prepared some time for David, so also there is a preparative development you must be willing to commit to for your romantic inheritance to become reality.
In ministry, I constantly encounter single Christian women desperately longing for God's very best husband. However, many of them are unwilling and unmotivated to endure the rigorous self-transformation necessary to become God's very best for someone else. Remember ladies, Boaz is looking for a Ruth just as much as you are looking for a Boaz. Remember Proverbs 20:4! Remember Proverbs 24:27! Remember the prodigal son...inheritance without maturity is disaster. Ask the Lord, and talk to a trusted spiritual leader for guidance pertaining to this. |
(3) The Children-Question: "Where are my children?" Not only do women have a mother-question and husband-question, they also have a children-question, one that asks, "Where are my children?" Just as they scan the environment for a female model, and lean hard toward a husband-prince, they also manifest natural mothering behaviors. Even women that do not have (or even desire) children manifest motherliness.
The typical woman wants and needs to mother. For many women in contemporary society though, and even among Christians, this instinct lies paralyzed beneath other preoccupations, goals, philosophies, and feelings. Extreme feminism, gender amalgamation, and irresponsible Bible teaching have caused many Christian women to question, even frown upon, their God-given mothering talents. The result? Multitudes of Christian women mothering and micromanaging anything and everything except what really matters. The mothering energy is very forceful. It will express itself in one way or another.
You see, women instinctively look for something to mother. Some start babysitting, like Naomi in her old age (Ru 4:16). Some buy pets. Some become domineering at work. Some personify and mother inanimate objects. Some insist on parenting their adult child. Some become Mother Hens to anyone close by, like Jezebel and her 850 children (1Ki 18:19) and her husband (21:5-16). (Granted, Jezebel was highly demonized, but this does not negate her basic feminine instincts, only maligned their expression.) Many guys I have known and know report their girlfriends/wives seek to mother them, more often than occasionally. When motherliness is taken to the extreme, or mingled with wounded emotions, women can become controlling and obsessive. This need not be friends. Many simply do not understand this part of themselves, and therefore, let it run wild. The female mothering nature does not need to be something negative, because, as such, it becomes the butt of male jokes, and eventually, the resentment of their hearts.
Scripture refers to female motherliness in a few key passages, one of them being 1Timothy 2:15: But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with propriety.
First, the attitude of this passage reveals how important mothering is to a woman's well-being, and even spiritual development. No, it is not saying every single woman must have children (some have the celibacy gift or some other non-childbearing calling). It is simply underscoring the importance of mothering to women in general. Secondly, it is surely not saying that women will be saved from eternal lostness through childbearing, or even through women collectively birthing the Savior. We are saved by grace alone, through faith alone, in Jesus's finished work alone, and nothing of human efforts (Eph 2:8,9).
However, Paul did say women would be saved from something through mothering. He explains himself in the attached phrase, "if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with propriety". Meaning: mothering/childbearing is so fundamental to the typical woman that it can even help distract, deliver, and save her from sin's power in her life! Obviously childbearing alone cannot sanctify a woman, which is why Paul supplements his statement with the command to continue in faith, love, and holiness. How many women have changed their lives in Christ simply because they became pregnant? The innate desire to protect and raise their young superceded their desire to live dangerously and foolishly. Tell us moms, mothering is a highly motivating, enlightening, and cleansing experience.
Paul makes a similar statement a few chapters later. Remember the women gone wild of 1Timothy 5:11-15? Not only were they behaving badly because of the unfulfilled husband-question, but also because of the unfulfilled children-question. Again Paul shows astonishing insight, not only counseling them to marry (silencing the husband-question), but also to have children (silencing the children-question): So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children...to give the enemy no opportunity (v14). Paul--the Holy Spirit--addressed a root of their unruliness: "Where are my children?"
APPLICATION: The problem is that far too many Christian women are abandoning their God-given mothering instinct, talent, and calling. Many are still floating in the ecstasy of extreme feminism that has diseased segments of the church. Consequently, our girls are growing up without engaged and energetic mothers, our husbands are rooming with disconnected and distracted wives, and the next generation of our nation is being populated by godless children from godless parents.
Paul words in 1Timothy 2:15 and 5:14 are not outdated, since he is writing the eternal Word of God by the Spirit of God for the timeless people of God. The women of the Bible considered it a magnificent honor and privilege to have children. Some even agonized in prayer before the Lord for miraculous conception in a barren womb. My female sisters in Christ: mothering/childbearing needs to be a serious and prayerful consideration if it is not already, if you are of age, are biologically able, do not have the celibacy gift, or do not have some other non-childbearing calling.
Let's expand this. Scripture does not forbid women from working, from having non-domestic goals and involvements, or from becoming a vital part of society's movement. Miriam, Deborah, Esther, Priscilla, Euodia, Syntyche, the Proverbs 31-woman (v24), and the women who followed Jesus (Lk 8:1-3) were all godly women who had important commitments outside the home. However, those with children are to be meticulous about succeeding at home first, prioritizing the care and development of their young ones. Somehow the Proverbs 31-woman was masterful at it (Pr 31:15,27-29).
Therefore, some women need to rediscover and pursue mothering full-time. Others might need to simply reprioritize it, better administrate their time and energy and not let non-domestic involvements deteriorate their maternal responsibility. Still others will be stirred by the Lord to spiritually mother the spiritually young, like Naomi birthed and raised Ruth spiritually. Titus 2:3-5 still cries out in every church in every city in every nation, as millions of young women (physically and spiritually) are still arrested and interrogated by the mother-question. By default, every mature Christian woman is to be a spiritual mother. But there are some who are called with a special grace to pioneer this frontier in the kingdom. Sadly, for most of my 12-year ministry I have lacked and needed good spiritual mothers to help me shepherd the girls and the women.
STAY IN THE LORD'S BLESSING |
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